To My First Love
January 27, 2023
Today, after heavily wrestling with God for a good bit of time in a head space that felt dark and lonely, I’ve seen and heard and received a fresh revelation. Not by my own strength, but by eyes, ears, and a heart touched by God Himself. I can take no credit. I can receive no glory.
I’ve wrestled with God before. I’ve experienced pain that led to hopelessness and a desire to end life. Recently, I’ve wrestled and questioned the goodness of my Father in a different way. I’ve carried shame for that. What believer wants to doubt everything they’ve given their whole life to? What believer wants to question the God who they’ve sung to and worshiped from the mountains and the valleys? I’ve been freed from the chains of that shame because my God told me I’m loved, accepted, wanted, adored, and called by name, even in that place of doubt. Only by the grace of God.
The wrestle, the doubt, the questioning - all brought into action by lies of the enemy. Lies that I’ve had it all wrong and everything I’ve believed is wrong. Lies that this world has something to offer. Lies that the Word of God, that I so graciously get to hold in my hands, is not truth. Let me be the first to tell you that I do have it all wrong. But we know who doesn’t… the Holy Spirit within our hearts. The doubt and questioning my heart was painfully holding, it was wrong. It was quenching the truth the Holy Spirit was speaking within me. This doubt and confusion led me to old ways of thinking and living - depression, self harm urges, hopelessness. Pain and heartache all over again. Thank You, Lord, for loving me so much that You so quickly and willingly freed me from myself yet again.
This month, my home church here in Alabama, Church of the Highlands, has been gathering together for what we call “21 Days of Prayer,” a daily gathering to completely surrender and boldly ask God to move for twenty one days straight. This time of prayer is so powerful. God really does move in ways none of us could ever imagine. Satan hates it. So, naturally, he does everything he can to keep God’s children from being there. Exhaustion hit me. Sickness hit me. Obstacles fell in my path from all angles. Perseverance to just get myself to the prayer gathering was a necessity. But it is so utterly worth it. This morning, day twenty, we confidently prayed for healing and freedom and for God to fulfill our needs. People were anointed with oil and hands were laid on those desperately calling out to God. As the enemy told me my needs and pains were not worthy of prayer, I stood up and walked to the front in opposition to his lies, hands and heart open, ready to pray in agreement with my church family for freedom. After that moment of prayer, nothing felt different. Thank the Lord that feelings are not always fact, for I believe scales were removed from my eyes yet again. Praise Jesus.
I’ve wanted to write and share life’s recent events and stories and lessons learned, but something was in the way. The wrestling was in the way. God can encourage people through you during times of your wrestling, but I was not able to write because my heart was not ready to share what it was experiencing. It is now. This new revelation, this breath of fresh air, holds a call to change and transform and move forward. As the Lord has changed and transformed my heart and mind, so I will change and transform the name of this blog… exemplifying the change I have vowed to make in the way I walk with the Lord. The name of my blog has needed to change. The way I think and view life has needed to change. “My Beautiful Scars” was a name that held a great amount of purpose and meaning. As did all the seasons of life God has allowed me to experience. But as I’ve grown, so has the name of this blog, this place to glorify God. So, welcome to “To My First Love” - how He, a faithful Father, has healed my scars and has returned to His place on the throne as my everything. My beautiful scars, beautiful in the way they no longer remind me of darkness, but of the Light that chased that darkness away - my First Love.
All because of the grace, mercy, pure goodness and tenderness of my Creator, I am walking out of a life of focus on the pain and hurt and trial, and into a life of acknowledging the struggle, but focusing on the One who pulls me from the pit, places me on solid ground, breathes life into my dry bones, and gives me a new song to sing. All I can say is thank You. All I can do is fall to my knees and worship. Receiving everything I do not deserve from a God who has chosen me to sit next to Him at His table. This is a dream that is a dream come true every single day of my new life in Christ.
I pray that this blog, with its new name, will be a place of raw truth that encourages and relates and echoes the name of Jesus. I pray that God’s true character would be revealed and exemplified. I pray that fruit would grow from placing all the things of life at the foot of the cross. I pray lives would change, wounds would heal, and hearts would be set free. All in the name of Jesus. The Name above all names. The One who hung on the cross in my place. My First Love. To Him I give my whole life.