Grieving Suicide
August 3, 2024
A year ago this past week, we lost my uncle Mack to suicide.
I can still feel the way my stomach flipped and my heart dropped.
I don’t like not knowing why. I don’t like remembering what it felt like when I was in my darkest moments and didn’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t like knowing he felt that deep, dark pain too. Until it went away within a second. Which is what hurts the most.
There are so many unanswered questions. They’ll be the first I ask when I’m face to face with Jesus. For now, I trust His sovereignty, faithfulness, and goodness to each of His children… and to Mack… even though I don’t see it fully right now.
I’m thankful God’s character isn’t dependent on what happens in this fallen world. I’m thankful that the brutality and the worst of pains isn’t the end for us— that Mack is in the arms of Jesus where suffering is no more.
As I cried and grieved the “why” this week, begging God for some sort of answer that made sense, I was reminded of this: God didn’t willingly let this happen. Mack’s death isn’t what He wanted or intended. And that’s why He sent Jesus… to walk with us and grieve with us… then to take on the cross, so that one day there would be no pain… so that one day there would be no suicide, no grief, no sobbing on the floor asking Him “why” over and over again.
Why did Jesus cry when Lazarus died? Why did He weep when He knew He was about to raise him from the grave? Because His heart breaks when our hearts break. Our tears are His tears too. He knows the pain of loss, greater than we ever could. And why did Jesus bear the cross? He didn’t have to. He took on the weight of sin and death to save each of His children, reconciling us to our Father in Heaven, to piece back together our brokenness.
He didn’t promise it would be easy on earth. We won’t see the completion of His victory over hell until He returns to take us home for good. Paul lived with a thorn in his side, we will have thorns too. Thorns don’t mean God is absent… I picture His hand on the wound, His nearness and grace to hold the wound from completely ripping through, and that is enough because He is enough.
His power is made perfect in weakness. When I am weak, He is strong. When I am broken, He is strong. When I am grieving, He is strong. When I want to know why, He is strong. My prayer today… Christ is enough for me even when it doesn’t make sense.
“Lord, why did it have to happen?”
“My child, loss breaks My heart too. My Son took the cross, that one day brokenness and pain would be no more. Fix your eyes on Me, though you cannot see it yet, I am doing a new thing. I can see what you cannot.”
He sits with us in our grief because His heart is broken too. The difference… He knows what lies ahead… He knows the fullness of His victory.
“How long, Lord, must I call for help and you do not listen or cry out to you about violence and you do not save? Why do you force me to look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Oppression and violence are right in front of me. Strife is ongoing, and conflict escalates. This is why the law is ineffective and justice never emerges. For the wicked restrict the righteous; therefore, justice comes out perverted. ‘Look at the nations and observe — be utterly astounded! For I am doing something in your days that you will not believe when you hear about it.’”
Habakkuk 1:2-5
“Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times that [the thorn] would leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
“I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6
“When Jesus saw her crying, and the Jews who had come with her crying, he was deeply moved in his spirit and troubled. “Where have you put him?” he asked. “Lord,” they told him, “come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Couldn’t he who opened the blind man’s eyes also have kept this man from dying?” Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. “Remove the stone,” Jesus said. Martha, the dead man’s sister, told him, “Lord, there is already a stench because he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, “Didn’t I tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they removed the stone. Then Jesus raised his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you heard me. I know that you always hear me, but because of the crowd standing here I said this, so that they may believe you sent me.” After he said this, he shouted with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out bound hand and foot with linen strips and with his face wrapped in a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unwrap him and let him go.””
John 11:33-44
I don’t have the answer to “why suicide?” I don’t have the answers to why suffering happens here on earth. But I do know that I wouldn’t be here without the hope found in Jesus. When nothing makes sense, speaking the name of Jesus does.
There’s so much I want to say. So much I want to make people aware of. So much mental health awareness I want to scream from the rooftops. So much hope of Jesus Christ that I want every single person to know intimately. Too much to know how to put it into words sometimes.
I’ll always miss you, Mack. The grief won’t go away, but neither will the memories of you and how much you loved us.
If you’re at your end and wanting to let go, I promise it gets better.
I know because I’m living it. Please stay. Please fight for it.
To my First Love,
Oh how our hearts break in this fallen world. Comfort our grieving hearts, Father. For only You know the fullness of Your victory. Only You can see the bigger picture of Your family reconciled in Heaven. Thank You for the hope in Jesus that we get to cling to in these moments.
Amen
